Just To Be Sure…

(Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise continued)

… I didn’t sleep much on Saturday night and so we were up pretty early and had time to spare before we were getting ready to go to church.  We were lounging around and I couldn’t stop thinking about my beta test which was to be the next day.  I had one more home pregnancy test upstairs and for some reason I felt like I would be more at ease if I saw another negative this morning.  So I went back upstairs, peed on the stick, and waited.  This particular test was digital; the first digital I had ever taken.  It flashes a little sand timer/hourglass while you’re waiting.  When it changed from the hourglass to the words (it displays either “pregnant” or “not pregnant”), I realized that I hadn’t put my contacts in yet and so I had to bend down closely to read it.

When I bent down and looked  closely, it said “pregnant”.

Yep, pregnant.  It was 8:30a.m. on Sunday, October 3rd.  Honestly, the first thing that went through my mind was, “Crap, it can’t be right.”  I dug the box and instructions out of the trash like a raccoon and sat down on the floor.  I was searching for the possibility that it would malfunction… it was digital after all!  After a few minutes I realized that it might actually be correct.  I might actually be pregnant.

Not quite sure what to say or do, I stumbled back downstairs and sat down on the couch to watch tv with Lenny.  After only a few minutes I figured out my next move and I went back upstairs and dug out the NY Giants baby booties from my dresser that I had ordered two years ago.  I had been saving them to give to Lenny when we finally got pregnant (when I ordered them, I still didn’t realize how long they would stay in my underwear drawer).  I threw them in a gift bag and stumbled back downstairs.  Yes, by this time Lenny figured something was up.  I handed him the bag and almost shouted “I have a present for you”.

After opening the gift his first response was “you took another test?  It was positive?  Can I see it?”  We ran upstairs together and I showed him the test; we hugged and cried together.  It’s not the way that I had always dreamt of surprising him with this news, but it was perfect.  I had wondered through over 30 negative pregnancy tests and 2.5 years of trying to conceive what it would feel like to finally see a positive on the test…now I knew.

After church we stopped and bought a few more tests, just to be sure.  I got another positive, and so we were content until the beta the next day.  Knowing we were so far from being in the clear still it was another restless night, but a better restless:


If you’re reading this – thank you!  But please don’t say anything on facebook until I do…


Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise (i.e. The 2ww)

(Part 2 of “Our Baby Transfer”)

…after about 45 minutes one of the nurses came over and told us that we were free to go whenever we were ready, just stop by to see her after we were changed.  I stayed 30 extra minutes, just in case.  But by that point I was STARVING and knew that it was in God’s hands.  I dressed and stopped by the nurse’s office.  She wrote my prescriptions for the drugs I was to continue and then gave me one last shot in my upper hip (fingers crossed that it’s the last).  I walked out of New Hope Clinic silently hoping that I wouldn’t be back any time soon.

I stopped and grabbed a bite to eat at the first place I saw and then boarded the subway, walked to Penn Station, and boarded the train “home”.  When I arrived back at the train station I hopped in Len’s car and drove the five minutes back to the house.  Too excited to rest too much I used the next 45 minutes to finish packing the last of my belongings.  Knowing that I needed to rest I laid down for a quick nap.  By a little after 5p.m. I was on the road home to Indiana.

Now some people may judge me for not lying around for at least 24 hours.  Some may say I too hastily jumped in the car to head home.  Had I known that I would sit in TONS of traffic trying to leave the city that Sunday night, I probably would have agreed with them.  I was planning to take it easy, listen to my body, and not push too hard, but I wanted nothing more at that moment in time then to go home.

I drove for about six hours that night and ended up stopping at a hotel in Pennsylvania for the night; partially because I was getting tired, partially because it had started raining pretty hard.  I was in bed by midnight and didn’t set an alarm.  I was too excited to sleep though… I watched the Kardashians for over an hour before finally dozing off.  I woke up around 3a.m. to the E channel and an excited feeling to be headed home and when I remembered that I was “pupo”.  I left the hotel around 11a.m. the next morning and drove the rest of the way back to Indiana.  I was so happy to be home.

I had planned to rest the rest of that week, but life quickly went back to normal and I needed to stay distracted so I jumped back into work and the unpacking that needed to happen.  On Wednesday morning I took a home pregnancy test – not because it would show yet whether or not the procedure had worked.  Rather, I was testing to make sure that I wouldn’t get a false negative further down the road.  The “trigger” shot that I was given on Sunday is a small dose of HCG; the chemical that tests measure in your body to determine a pregnancy.  I wanted to test it out of my system to erase any possibility of false excitement.  On Wednesday the test was negative.

The waiting time between an IVF procedure and your first beta test (the blood test to determine whether or not a pregnancy has occurred) is probably one of the hardest times in the cycle.  On message boards and in the infertility world it’s known as the 2ww; the two week wait.  Luckily for me, because we transferred two five-day old embryos, I only had to wait eight days for my first beta.  Each day dragged on as I waited for the slightest feeling of nausea or that instant moment of just knowing I was pregnant.  That moment did not come.  Aside from a pretty persistent headache which I attributed to my cold-turkey quitting of caffeine that week, I had no symptoms of anything.  On Friday, five days past our transfer, I took another home pregnancy test.  It was negative again.  Although I knew that was still early, I did lose a little bit of hope.  Our beta was scheduled for Monday.

Saturday evening we had two parties to stop by and I couldn’t take my mind off of the fact that our transfer hadn’t work.  I asked Lenny if we could leave the second party early because I just couldn’t be social; we were home by 10p.m.  That night in bed I apologized to Lenny through tears for not taking it easier, not praying more, not resting more, for leaving on Sunday and not waiting until Monday, and for everything else I could figure I had done wrong to cause the transfer to have not worked.  Lenny reassured me that we still have frozen embryos left and this wasn’t the end of the road.  I only slept a few hours that night, I couldn’t stop tossing and turning.

To be continued…

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